It has been four months to the day since my last post. 2 + 2 = 4. It has been an interesting four months to say the least. At least from my life perspective. Today also marks the two month and two year anniversaries of two of the crummiest days of my life. I realize how lucky I have been in life and how it could very easily be much worse. In fact sometimes it's like I'm almost charmed. I have good luck, I win contests, I catch breaks....good things sometimes just seem to fall into my lap with virtually no effort on my part. I may not be giving myself enough credit, I may be putting myself in the right position for these things to happen. Who knows? I'd like to think it is good karma resulting from my choices and actions. All of this, along with the recent experiences of a couple people I know, makes me feel almost guilty about feeling the way I do about what happened two months ago today.....
You see, that was the day my girlfriend broke up with me. My first real girlfriend. I feel somewhat embarrassed to say that to an unknown audience. Admitting that I didn't have a girlfriend until I was 24 years old. And the relationship only spanned about a month. But that's bullshit. It doesn't imply anything about me as an individual except for maybe my lack of initiative in the past in pursuing relationships. That has changed however. I have recently become more bold, more proactive. This is a direct result of my relationship with Meghan (my ex-girlfriend, if that wasn't obvious). My time with her was the happiest time of my life. Like I said above, I've had a pretty good life. Then she came along and gave me the one thing I have wanted most of all for a long time now. I've never felt the way about someone the way I felt about Meghan. The thing is, I still feel it. Because of the circumstances of how the relationship ended - very abruptly and without warning - combined with it being my first relationship of this kind, it has made the aftermath hard. Maybe it's just because of the way my brain is wired. The reason the relationship ended was not because of anything I did wrong. I know that and so should anybody who really knows me. Meghan even gave me the "you're a very nice guy" line. That's not something that needed to be said. I know who and what I am. More than she does at least, which turns out to be the crux of the matter. Because unbeknownst to me she had this idea or impression of who I was as a person based on the first night we met. Which was at party where we really did not directly interact a great deal. At the time I thought that she had a boyfriend, which she actually did. After the party a friend of mine told me she was single and I asked my friend to get her number for me (my friend and Meghan had a mutual friend...oh, and Meghan broke up with her boyfriend to start dating me if you were wondering. Apparently he didn't treat her that well or something.). Anyway, at the party I was just having a good time with some friends and few strangers and having some drinks. Acting like I always do in such situations. My interact with Meghan was limited to a few silly little acts on my part and some eye contact. I didn't really give it all a second thought, at least until my friend told me she was single. Sure I thought she was cute, but like I said, at the time I thought she had a boyfriend.
So as we started dating, as you would (hopefully) expect, the way I acted (aka...my personality) around her was not exactly the same as at the party. It was just a completely different situation....how I act at a party with many of my good friend is not how I'm going to act when alone with a new girlfriend, or when I'm meeting and just getting to know her friends and family. I was presenting the side of me that I thought would be most appealing to her (which obviously was just my best guess), and that I hoped would make her fall for me. I wish I had know what side of me she had found most appealing, because I would have let that come out more. She could had let me know. I'm was all about being upfront and truthful with her. I shared things with her that I've never shared with anyone.
The funny thing is until literally the final day or two of our relationship I am virtually positive that we were at the same place in our feelings toward each other. Based on the way her was acting and what she was saying, I am fairly certain of this (there are some examples below). It's possible I'm wrong, but I really don't think so. I certainly read her pretty well on the day she broke up with me.
Examples:
- She told me the night we officially became a couple that I was better at dating then any of her previous boyfriends.
- A week before she broke up with me she uttered the phrase, "What did I do to deserve you?" .....WTF?
- Several times throughout our relationship she said, "I like this." She always said this when we were making out....so I'm not sure if she was referring to the making out or to our relationship. Both work for me.
-Two days before she broke up with me she sent me the following text messages:
"Almost to Grinnell! I'll blow a kiss :)" -sent while she was driving from Iowa City to Des Moines
"Just a few hours! :) I'm excited" -referring to when we'd get to see each other after I got off work that afternoon and drove to Des Moines
From these examples you can see why I feel the break-up was so unexpected. I want her back more than I have probably have wanted anything in my whole life. And I have now had months to think about it. And I think she only thought about ending the relationship for maybe a day. I truly believe we had good chemistry and had so much in common. I know I'm right.
However, I am a realist. I'm not going to just sit around hoping she'll change her mind. I'm trying to move on, with a little success, trying to open new doors of possiblity. I still think a lot about what I might do to change her mind. What I might do or what I might say. I don't know if that would help me or hurt me. So, for now, I do nothing. Only time will tell what our fate will be.
I've said a lot here, but there is still so much that is left unsaid. I just don't how to express it all. It's frustrating. But I'm doing alright. I have hope. Peace.
Current song - "Why Don't You & I" by Santana w/ Chad Kroeger
